Unemployment Day 30

Lately I’ve been having nightmares. I’ve been having tummy aches. I’ve been having nightmares and tummy aches and wrestling with serious feelings of guilt and frustration and despair. In the nightmares I am trying desperately to get somewhere or people are committing suicide or there is just a constant overwhelming feeling of impending dread. I almost never have dreams, so these nightmares are especially disconcerting.

When I’m awake there is an almost constant mass of panic/anxiety/fear in my chest. I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of, but it is something big and it is all consuming and I don’t know how to make it go away. I will sit and calmly think about what is happening, where I am, and know that I am worrying about things that I can’t control, and that in addition to that I am worrying about the act of worrying. I get caught in this Worry Cycle and there is no escaping it. Chris would say, “not with that attitude” and of course he would be right, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t have the tools. I don’t know how to make it go away and I am afraid to try. Oh the fear.

And I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not having a job, but getting paid. I know that I would have felt guilty anyway, but it hasn’t helped that someone else has made me feel guilty. I know I am ultimately in control of my feelings, but the injury I feel adds to the guilt. I don’t know how to be unemployed and I certainly don’t know how to be unemployed WHILE getting paid. There are still quite a few days of this in my future and I’m terrified that this feeling is just going to keep piling up, getting more and more overwhelming, and eventually crushing me.

I feel like I am walking a ridiculously fine line between sanity and insanity. I am so close to the edge, to giving up. There are moments when I wish I could actually just lose my mind and get it over with. Keeping it together isn’t easy. I want it to be, but it’s not.

My anxiety is getting so bad that I’ve made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. The Ativan doesn’t do enough, doesn’t calm me like it used to. This is beyond panic attacks, this is approaching full on crippling anxiety. It is where I was when I started college or when I dropped out. It is uncomfortable and terrifying. And that fear is just propelling the anxious feelings further. Writing about it used to be soothing, but right now I can feel it creeping in, slowly. Or maybe it is more like it is creeping out . . . it’s hard to describe the precise feeling . . . it is like there is a ball of something painful in my chest and as it grows it unfurls its tentacles and they weave themselves through my ribcage and it is suffocating. The tension fills my entire body and there is little that I can think of to soothe it.

What helps? Being around friends. Talking about it. Talking about anything BUT it. Hugs and being held. Closing my eyes and letting music fill my body. Snuggling Didz. Feeling like there is someone there to take care of me . . .

It’s a tough time that I’m going through. I feel weak, which is one of the things I hate the most. My biggest fears are being weak and not being good enough, and right now I feel like I am both of those things. I want to be better, but I don’t feel strong enough to do it. I don’t believe in myself enough.

But I’m trying. I’m doing the best that I can given my situation {I think} and I’m trying to be better. I am trying to fill my time with people who make me feel calm and whole and happy. And I am trying to help other people who might be in similar situations. And I am trying to network and build important connections that will help me get OUT of this slump, though that has been less than effective. I want to write about that, but I want to devote a separate entry to it, so it doesn’t get lost here.

What I’m saying here though is this: unemployment is scary. It’s tough and not fun and an awesome severance package doesn’t change that. In fact, for some of us, it makes things worse. I’m one of those people. This fucking sucks and I don’t care if I’m not supposed to say that.

It’s 11:11 right now, and I’m wishing for a job. I’m wishing for this life to sort itself out. I’m wishing for the ability to remember that The Journey Is The Destination. I’m wishing for straight up sanity. Fingers crossed . . .