Unemployment Day 36

Today is day 36, but right now I want to talk about yesterday.

A few days back I talked about how bad my anxiety has been lately and how I was planning to see my doctor. Well, I saw my doctor yesterday and it was an interesting experience.

I’ve been seeing Dr. Strong for a few years now and we’ve got a good relationship. I go in, act like my maniacal self, we make some jokes, he tells me I’m a high strung lady, and then he writes me a script. Usually.

Yesterday was a little different. I talked to him {and his resident} about the anxiety I’ve been feeling, how it’s been out of control, how the Ativan isn’t helping, and how I was hoping he could set me up with something a little stronger to get me through the tough times. We had a talk about how he isn’t a believer in medicating people who are intelligent and have the capacity to work through their problems {um, like me, apparently} but that he felt that it was important to put me on meds to get my obsessing and worrying and general anxiety in check.

We went back and forth on this a few times {I’m incredibly resistant to medicating, as I’ve had two not so good experiences in my past, it took me a long time to even allow emergency Ativan into my life} and he pointed out that I was only letting him get about 20 words out before I’d interrupt and throw up my wall. It’s true. I want to be able to do everything myself. But I can’t.

In the end I agreed to a few weeks on Sertraline to calm me down, bring me to a functional place, etc. combined with therapy. In fact, Dr. Strong made me promise him that I would start therapy if he wrote me the script. Fair enough.

So now I’m scouring the internet for therapists. This is going to be entirely out of pocket, which I’m not looking forward to, but it’s time. I can’t keep putting therapy off. My problems are bigger than me, I can’t tackle them alone. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. These are the things I keep reminding myself of.

It’s scary but also a huge relief. I’ve been coping with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, obsessive compulsive thoughts/behavior, and who knows what else for 7 years. It hasn’t been easy or fun and I’ve had a hard time. I’ve built a lot of walls to protect myself from people who only want to help me and at the same time let all the wrong people in. It’s time to change that.

Initially I was going to keep this to myself. I’m a little embarrassed and ashamed that I had to ask for help, that I couldn’t do it all myself. Which is what made me realize that I need to share this. I need to accept that this is okay, that this isn’t a sign of weakness, that I am Doing The Right Thing.

Wish me luck.